The Dichotomy of Control Has Exposed My Hypocrisy

One of my deepest desires is to be the kind of person who is able to let things go if there's nothing I can do about them. To be a better "observer", if you will.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I tend to resist whining about things because I want to put the Stoic theory of the Dichotomy of Control into practice. The idea is that some things are in our control (thoughts, feelings, actions) and other things are not...they just happen outside of us. Being able to make that distinction with clarity can be helpful in accepting all external events with more tranquility whether they are preferred or dispreferred.

One of my deepest desires is to be the kind of person who is able to let things go if there's nothing I can do about them. To be a better "observer", if you will.

I find that it if it's just me and my own thoughts & feelings that I'm challenging, then I can navigate this pretty successfully. I do this by practicing another Stoic principle each morning called Premeditatio Malorum which is a form of negative visualization that is intended to help you accept that dispreferred things will happen during the course of your day and life.

Where I slip up most frequently is when someone I care about is voicing a complaint. My wife, for example. The "observer" in me seems to drift away from the scene and I find myself adopting her feelings. Or, more accurately, what I assume she's feeling.

The downward spiral ensues and now I'm worked up & lamenting the fact that I'm now worrying about something that neither of us can control. I desperately want her to stop worrying about the thing she can't control because I know it's a healthier reaction.

Wait a minute, Cowboy! Am I not abandoning the Dichotomy Of Control by wanting my wife to stop worrying and complaining about things which are out of her control? After all, I have no control over her thoughts, feelings, or actions. My philosophy says that I should accept external events & circumstances with tranquility. There's nothing in my philosophy that says I need to guess what someone else is feeling and attempt to adopt them myself in order to make them feel heard.

Going forward, I'll do my best to give my wife space to get things off of her chest and express herself without judging whether she's getting caught up or whether the event is good or bad. I'll do my best to be supportive and make her feel that she's been heard. My reaction is what I can control. I can choose to be supportive and to help provide balance. I don't need to weigh in. I can just listen and be a reassuring partner...an observer of vs. participant in the dispreferred event.